Ysiad

todo::
* Day two of journaling about Anger/ Hate/ Aggression
* Social health – Hang with a friend that will be in town. Help plan party for Saturday

habits::
* Meditation – Day 702
* Journaling – Day 45
* Yoga – Day 44
* Cold shower – Day 17

reflections:: 8:15am. Waking up earlier again, and more importantly, doing my routine earlier.

8:26am. Just got distracted with some work and social text messages. Back to journaling.

Last night I had a conversation with people I was having dinner with about the usefulness of anger in serving as an indicator of where we could send more love by expanding our definition of self. Though I realize now while typing, that whether expanding our definition of self increases the amount of love we put into the world is largely dependent on whether we love ourselves or not and how good we are at doing that. For all of us before we know how to love, we can be pretty abusive to ourselves and the people we love. So it’s not safe to assume that Anger/Hate/Aggression naturally leads to more love. However, it CAN, when the emotion occurs in someone who seeks to lift up others and has cultivated practices that lift their own selves up.

It’s getting harder and harder for me to identify feelings of hate, though anger comes up all the time.

At work I get angry when people don’t proactively send me drafts of the things they say they’ll have prepared in a timely manner. I also get angry when people are low performers or don’t apply themselves. I think there’s something to learn about why that makes me angry, about people that I definitely look at as part of my team. I guess that requires a more nuanced view on anger. Those triggers for anger trigger me getting angry at myself as well. Which is me giving myself negative feedback for behaviors I don’t want in myself. So perhaps anger can be part of an expression of love as well.

When I’m disappointed at myself or someone else for doing or not doing something or just for being who they are, it turns into anger as a reactive way to cause a change in whatever the situation is. And that makes sense, as it’s a pretty effective tool for making a quick change.

Generally, when I get angry, things do indeed change. It’s just not necessarily how I want to act all the time, but I appreciate what it does here.

I’m wondering if I can reroute the reflex though. So that my expressions of anger are compassionate towards myself and others. 8:49am