Ysiad

todo::
* 30 minutes on the programming tutorial
* Day five of journaling about Desire/ Craving/ Disappointing
* Go dancing

habits::
* Meditation – Day 698
* Journaling – Day 41
* Yoga – Day 40
* Cold shower – Day 13

reflections:: 11:53pm Stayed in last night and got a ton of sleep after a stressful couple of weeks. Noticed while meditating this AM that my mind has been wandering to work a lot. And reflecting while writing this post that the amount of time spent journaling the past week and a half or so have been fairly light while I’ve been focusing on fundraising. Just an observation, and as I’m reflecting on desire, it’s an opportunity for me to reflect on how much I may or may not be holding onto a desire to have a focused mind that can hold my breath as the object of attention for the full time I’m meditating. There are many parts of me that hold onto desires especially around getting certain outcomes from activities. What I’m noticing now is that I can look for the ways I’m disappointed when that happens, rather than try to not feel disappointment. That will likely give me permission to feel more. And connect me to others. So I can more directly say, “I am feeling disappointed. I was hoping things would work out this way. But instead they worked out this other way.” I hypothesize that will lead to better insights about what I want from situations, as I’ll get better at forecasting potential disappointment before it happens. This will get me to better identify what I want, which has been a challenge for me. Fascinating how as I write about Desire/Craving/Disappointment, I’m seeing that disappointment is a major emotion that I’ve blocked myself from feeling. I suppose that I’ve conditioned myself to view wanting things as a weakness, and that my response to that was to pretend away this disappointment. A new approach is to admit disappointment, admit my weakness, and trust that I am strong enough to carry along anyways. Instead of sour grapes or invulnerability armor, I can feel the disappointment when I have it. And if I still desire something, I can notice whether I’m holding onto that desire or moving on from it.